Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: Renewing Your Mind

My dear children, you come from God and belong to God. You have already won a big victory over those false teachers, for the Spirit in you is far stronger than anything in the world. 1 John 4:4 (MSG)

Have you ever gotten down on your self after making a mistake? Have you ever berated yourself after performing poorly at a sport or on your job? This happens to all of us, and the thoughts and emotions that accompany these events are not only normal but they are also truthful and accurate.

Surprised? I will bet you thought I was going to say something like dont do that! Youre wrecking your self-esteem or Criticizing yourself can only make things worse. The self-esteem movement of the last thirty years has stunted the growth of our children and many of us. This school of thought would have us believe that we should never criticize or correct our children for their mistakes. Everybodys a winner is their battle cry. Nevertheless, if everyone is a winner, is not it also true that no one wins. Children (and adults) are smart enough to see through this. Recognizing the emptiness of this kind of platitude is easy.

If you take a math class, and the entire room receives a blanket A grade, how can you tell how well you did? How well prepared are you to go practice those new math skills on the job? If you tell your children that every time they play a sport they are always a winner, what do you think is going to happen to them the first time they play without you and suffer a resounding defeat? What skills will they have learned to deal with the defeat and move forward and learn from it?

The crucial difference between worth and esteem is performance. We earn self-esteem by performing well, by experiencing mastery. How could I possibly feel good about a poor performance in a round of golf, in a day at work, or in teaching a class? On the other hand, a job well done feels really good. No one has to tell us we did it well. When we perform poorly, or make mistakes, the truth of the performance prompts us to improve ourselves. How can we possibly be motivated to do better if all we ever hear is great job, you are a winner? Although it feels great, we learn very little from our victories. Our mistakes become our greatest teachers. The unpleasant emotions that accompany failure are God-given, natural and healthy emotions that prompt us to learn. Rather than whitewash disappointment or frustration, ask yourself what lessons you can learn from the experience. Also, with your children, let them fully own and accept their emotions and use the occasion as a teaching opportunity to help them find new ways to perform better next time.

Every human being alive has infinite worth. God breathes his spirit into us when we are born. Self-worth is intrinsic; nothing can ever take it away form us. We are all wonderful, delightful and loveable people simply because we are alive. In the eyes of your heavenly Father we have infinite worth. Self-esteem may sag day to day due to poor performance, but we can always improve. The mistake we all make is we judge ourselves to be worthless for making these mistakes, and that can be self-destructive. Some people can even fall into a depression after a poor performance. They are making the mistake of judging their self-worth by their actions, rather than objectively evaluating their performance.

To summarize, self-esteem comes form outside us. Self-worth comes from inside. Self-esteem is based on what we do; self-worth is who we are and no one or nothing can take it away.

www.renewingyourmind.us

Terry Sandbek is co-author of Renewing Your Mind: Defeating Destructive Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors. He is a graduate of Fuller Seminary with a Masters degree in theology and a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Sandbek is the author of The Deadly Diet and has been a licensed clinical psychologist, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and a credentialed school psychologist for over thirty years.

Patrick Philbrick graduated from UCLA with a BA in English Literature. He loves to write and teach. An active member of his church, he spends several hours a week doing volunteer work. He has published articles in Soaring Magazine on performance enhancement, several articles on Christian growth, and is the co-author of Renewing Your Mind: Defeating Destructive Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors.

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