Bad Marriage, Good Divorce?

Even though divorce rates in the U.S. have been steady the last few years, there are still a lot of couples getting divorced every year. Approximately one out of two married couples will end up in divorce court. And yet, marriage is still the ideal for most men and women. A recent survey of twenty-somethings indicated that 94% of these young men and women wanted to get married someday.

Most people go into a marriage with good intentions. They expect the marriage to last a lifetime, even though the odds for that are pretty grim. Its becoming increasingly common for people to have two or three marriages in their lifetimes. This means, of course, that they will have had two or three divorces as well. So, the question for today is: can there be such a thing as a good divorce after a bad marriage?

There was an interesting study on unhappy married couples. These were couples considering divorce, but decided to stick it out for a while. The study found that within three years, most of the unhappy couples were now happy. They were glad they were still married and no longer wanted divorces. The conclusion was that unhappiness in marriage is fairly common, but it is temporary. The bad times dont last.

There was another surprising discovery in the study. The researchers found that the couples who did divorce were no happier than the unhappy married couples. In other words, divorce solved nothing. And when the divorced couples did remarry, they were no happier-and, therefore, no better off-than were the couples who had stayed married. The lesson from all this seems to be: marital unhappiness doesnt last and is not a reason to get divorced. In the long run, couples have their ups and downs, but the downs seem to be temporary. The marriage can be permanent and happy.

Still, there are marriages where conditions are bad and the differences irreconcilable. Abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, and infidelity are all situations where severe damage has been done to the relationship. All marriages cannot be made loving and happy again. Sometimes, divorce is justified. Sometimes, one or both partners ARE better off after the divorce.

So how do you turn a bad marriage into a good divorce?

First, acknowledge that you may still love your partner, but that your life will be better if you live your own life away from your partner. However, you cant live your own life if you are focused on ruining his. To have a good divorce, separate physically and emotionally. Get over it and move on. The time and effort you spend on revenge or hatred is time wasted out of your own life. Next, you may be getting a divorce but your children arent. They still have two parents. Forcing your children to take sides is using your children for your own selfish ego. Let your children grow up with two parents. Again, the time you spend trying to be the right parent, the good parent, is time better spent working on this new chapter in your life.

The relationship you have with your future ex during the divorce can make all the difference to the ease of the entire process. Accept responsibility for your part in the break-up and dont throw insults and accusations back in your exs face. Your ex is not necessarily a bad person. Hes just not right for you. And, to keep your perspective ember, youre not right for him.

During the divorce process and afterward when youre single again, avoid going to family functions or social gatherings together. You are a single person once again. You have no social obligations to your ex. Socializing as a couple will only confuse the kids, give false hope to the families and muddle your own feelings. No convenience sex (ex sex).

You are truly your own person now. Make the most of it. Dont waste your new life looking backward. Look forward with gratitude at the opportunities that await you as you begin this new chapter in your life.

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Dr. Alan Stafford, Relationship Results Coach I help Singles and Couples build relationships that work http://www.relationshipsuccessexperts.com

Click here to ask Alan a question about your biggest relationship issue http://relationshipsuccessexperts.com/askalan.htm

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2005 Alan Stafford/Relationship Success Experts
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